This report was submitted today by a duke in fine standing and a life long lover of the swine. He’s sort of our own Andy Rooney and prone to rants that contain deep truths burried within the greasy layers of stream-of-deliciousness rambling. Also of note; the manifesto arrived burned into cracklin like some sort of delectable scroll. You’ll forgive if the translation is a bit spotty…here at HQ we were a little, um, late in realizing it wasn’t a snack delivered by secret admirer……

So after a weekend of mass pork consumption, and the onset of a mild case of trichinosis, it occurred to me that we might have somehow forgotten to pay homage to the sausage, the forgotten pork vehicle.

Bacon month turned into bacon summer and lord knows we have consumed some bacon. On top of the usual 2 pound a weekend minimum that has been set as the standing bar for the Ram’s Rest, this weekend we actually consumed 4.5 pounds of freshly cut slab bacon from the oh so sassy Smith Street butcher. For those of you not familiar with bacon, it is the pig’s way of saying thank you.

Lest I digress, back to the forgotten fruit.

In the madness of the bacon frenzy, we have neglected our friend the sausage, who has faithfully served us for so long & in so many wonderful ways. There is of course the link and the patty, who have been holding it down at breakfast since we figured out how to grind shit up. There’s also the hot dog (aka. frankfurter, frank, weenie, wiener, dog and tube steak) the most perfect $1 New York food on the planet. Like the oven at Peter Luger’s, the secret to the New York hotdog is to never change the water they boil them in, thus accumulating the flavor encapsulated in the nugs and boiled off bits from years of hot dogs. I go mustard/ketchup, kraut and onions, but I’m from here.

Beyond the commonly known breakfast sausages and garden-variety hot dogs I just mentioned, there are a plethora (yes jefe, a plethora) of other ’sausage’ related products that make this world a better place. According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, there are over 85 varieties of sausage (with many having sub-varieties).

I’m going to stick the ‘mainstream’ varieties, and by mainstream, I mean the ones I know and like. I am certain the butcher’s son (who shall remain nameless*) knows more about this subject than I do, but his absence at the last few meetings has put his membership into question and catapulted me into a position of authority.

When I am king, you all will hang.

In the “things everybody would identify as a sausage” category there’s: Bratwurst, Chorizo, Kielbasa, Weisswurst and a million flavors of what we simply call sausage. Each has it’s own magic and will be sampled in September, now officially know as Sausage Month..

On the somewhat forgotten side, are the Italian’s contributions to the party, Capacolla (aka Gabagool as in “what? you don’t like Gabagool?”)), Mortadella, Proscuitto and Salami. Though we more often than not see them sliced thinly (and in NG’s hands by the refrigerator), these varieties start off as tubes and slabs and then are sliced after the fact. Rest assured they are real and they are fantastic. These will also be represented in the Sausage of Truth showdown in September.

Lastly, there are other regional pleasures that mainly exist in the places that deem eating crazy shit to be totally fine.

Included in this category are: bangers, smokies, scrapple, lola, linguica, goetta and frizzies. Each are odd and, in their own way ,delicious. I might propose a mixed bag event where nations are represented by their respective meats.

All in all, the sausage is truly it’s own pork champion, not some redheaded stepchild of bacon. I am resolute that, after sausage month kicks off, you will all have a clearer understanding of the power of the sausage.

I just hope the lipitor holds up its end of the bargain.